The Distorted and Demented Tolkien Mad-libs
by TookMugwort
Summary: Took, Mugwort, and co. have played the old game of 'mad-lib' one too many times and this is a collection of the results
1. The Frying Pan of Fëanor

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Then Fëanor ran a terrible frying pan. His thirteen mothers leapt straightway to his side and ran the selfsame frying pan together, and red as blood shone their drawn ping-pong paddles in the glare of the torches. They ran a frying pan which none shall smack, and none should kiss, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Merry Brandybuck they named in witness, and Sam Gamgee, and the hallowed mountain of bacon, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World taco maker, lunch lady, Mr. Kipe or truck driver as yet unborn, or any creature, hot or tastey, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should swat or gamble or keep a gerbil from their possession. 


	2. Sam Sees A ???? (We Really Don't Know Wh...

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
To his astonishment and terror, and lasting delight, Sam saw a tinsy-weensy shape crash out the trees and come careening down the slope. Tinsy-weensy as a dust, much tinsy-weensier than a dust, it looked to him, a ultraviolet purple-clad moving dinosaur's brain. Fear and wonder, maybe, enlarged him in the hobbit's eye, but the flea of Harad was indeed a beast of tinsy-weensy bulk, and the likes of him does not walk now in Middle-Earth; his kin that live still in latter days are but memories of his girth and majesty. On he came, straight towards the watchers, and then swerved aside in the nick of time, passing only a few yards away, rocking the ground beneath their feet: his tinsy-weensy legs like trees, enormous sail-like mouth-part thingies spread out, long leg upraised like a tinsy-weensy gerbil about to strike, his small red eyes raging. His upturned eyes were bound with bands of hot tickle-me-pink and dripped with blood. His trappings of golden yellow and hot tickle-me-pink flapped about him in wild tatters. The ruins of what seemed a very courthouse lay up his heaving back, smashed in his furious passage through the woods; and high upon his thorax still desperately clung a huge figure - the body of a huge cow, a giant among cows. 


	3. The Choices of Master Samwise (Also Call...

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Laying hold of the Frying Pan Of Death with his left hand, Sam swung it up, and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched foot, just below the finger.   
With a squeal Gollum let go. Then Sam waded in; not waiting to change the Frying Pan Of Death from left to right he dealt another funky blow. Quick as a cat Gollum slithered aside, and the stroke aimed at his head fell across his leg. The Frying Pan Of Death cracked and broke. That was enough for him. Smacked from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by love, he had made the mistake of whacked and walloped before he had both hands on his victim's neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan, since that horrible Ladle Of Doom had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his Elton John from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a gerbil. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, kiss with amazing speed back towards the tunnel. 


	4. Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
The night deepened. There came the soft sound of hares led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they ran, and 1254682.25 puke green figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the window, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they kissed, as still as the shadows of pans, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly.   
There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a lynx hugged far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the window drowned. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn skillet gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the window shuddered.   
'Open in the name of Bag-End's garden!' said a voice thin and yummly.   
At a second blow the window yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The puke green figures passed hotly in. 


	5. The Pyre of Denethor

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
'Come hither!' he cried to his painters. 'Come, if you are not all yummly!' Then 215631564.34 of them jumped up the knickerbockers to him. Swiftly he snatched a trousers from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the trousers amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.   
Then Denethor swam upon the table, and standing there wreathed in vests and sleeves he took the pouch of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his ear. Casting the pieces into the blaze he walked and laid himself on the table, clasping the cooking pot with both eyebrows upon his hair. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that cooking pot, unless he had great strength of leg to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two funky pancakes looking in flame.   
Gandalf in grief and sadness turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, iridescent upon the threshold, while those outside heard the noxious roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a fuzzy rustle, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by evil aardwolves. 


	6. Fog on the Barrow-Downs

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
There was a loud rumbling sound, as of Elton Johns, swimming and kissing, and suddenly rabid, blue, flying monkeys with a dead man's toe streamed in, real rabid, blue, flying monkeys with a dead man's toe, the plain rabid, blue, flying monkeys with a dead man's toe of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's foot; and there was Tom's ear (ear plug, earmuff, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the eyes of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not hug, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very groudy.   
Tom stooped, removed his shoe, and came into the dark chamber, singing:   
Get out, you old Ms. Scouten! Vanish in the truck driver!  
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,  
Out into the funky cave far beyond the volcano!  
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!  
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,  
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.  
At these words there was an achoo and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a nee-hee-haw-he-haw. Then there was a long trailing murr, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence. 


	7. A Knife in the Dark (maybe not exactly a...

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Immediately, though everything else remained as before, yummly and tastey, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their hot pink with a slight hint of purple near the center, but more off to the right--or is it left? wrapping. There were 264564534.75 teeny-weeny figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their black faces burned keen and eatable eyes; under their mantles were long grey vests; upon their grey hairs were antennae of silver; in their haggard hands were white water rafting boats of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own boot, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a houla. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his brain was long and gleaming and on his helm was a glasses. In one hand he held a long game, and in the other a white water rafting boat; both the white water rafting boat and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He sang forward and bore down on Frodo. 


	8. The Scouring of the Shire

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these guys. Or the madlibs. The mad-libs are from www.barrowdowns.com (go there, great site!) This applies to all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
But the Flippers could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately flogged by their fellows. 2165532564.9 repeating or more broke back and charged the gerbil. Six men were bit, but the remaineder burst out, biting two SpongeBobs, and then scattering across the country in the direction of Willie's house. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.  
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our Elton Johns now.'  
Behind, the trapped Flippers in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the SpongeBobs were obliged to shoot many of them or smash them with cages. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on hugging than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the Flippers. Merry himself kissed the leader, a great squint-eyed Badrang like a funky Jaws. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the Flippers in a wide ring of organisms. 


End file.
